OSCAR (the cat) HEADS FOR CHARLESTON

CHARLESTON, SC (Roto-Reuters News Service) Oscar is a Rhode Island nursing home cat who has an uncanny knack for predicting when some of the patients are going to die by curling up next to them during their final hours. He has been accurate in 25 cases so far.

This reporter has learned that Osacr is making a trip to Charleston. The question is: Who (or what) is he coming to visit? Speculation is rampant.

• Is Oscar going to pay a call on the Citadel football team before the season?
• Or maybe the Political Pussy will visit the William Dudley Gregorie (Mayor Joe’s opponent) Campaign headquarters?
• The Feline of Finality could be coming to the Holy City to make it official: Thomas Ravenel's career is dead.
• Maybe Oscar will be seen lurking around the halls of the Rainbow Market, meowing outside the doors of Bulldog Tours.
• Or, maybe Oscar has decided to point out the obvious (except those who work for the school system) concering Charleston County Schools.

Only time will tell. Keep your eyes focused.

REVISED 'TIME' MAGAZINE TOP TEN LISTS

What do the following people have in common?

• Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Tyra Banks, Tina Fey (actors/writers/celebrities),
• Rosie O’Donnell (professional braindead loudmouth),
• Kate Moss (female bag of bones who works as a model),
• Elizabeth Edwards (pampered wife of a rich lawyer),
• Tony Dungy (NFL coach) and
• Al Gore (former VP and leader of the 21st Century’s first religion – environmentalism)

They are all on Time magazine’s list of Most Influential People in the World. And Al Gore was placed on the list of “Scientists and Thinkers”!!! But for the first time ever, the President of the United States is not on the list. I guess Time hates Bush so much, they decided the most powerful man in the world was not worth mentioning, but Tina Fey who writes a TV SHOW is!

Using Time’s criteria, here are some revised Top Ten Lists:

TOP 10 MOVIES OF ALL TIME (alphabetical order)
Battlefield Earth
Clambake (Elvis)
Grease 2
Howard the Duck
Ishtar
Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
Speed 2: Cruise Control
Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot
Weekend at Bernies II
Xanadu

TOP 10 TV SHOWS OF ALL TIME (alphabetical order)
Cop Rock
Hee Haw Honeys
Hello Larry
Jerry Springer Show
The Love Boat
Manimal
My Mother, the Car
Pink Lady and Jeff
Still the Beaver
Supertrain

TOP 10 MUSIC ARTISTS OF ALL TIME (alphabetical order)
Air Supply
Asia
Michael Bolton
Celine Dion
Emerson, Lake & Palmer
Kenny G
Iron Butterfly
LaToya Jackson
Richard Marx
Yanni

TOP TEN BEST CONCERTS

1. Lynyrd Skynyrd: Oct. 19, 1977, Columbia, SC. I saw Skynyrd twice and both times they were great, but this show gets the nod for one simple reason: It was the next to the last show the original Skynyrd band ever performed. The next night they performed in Greenville, SC and flew to Louisiana but their plane ran out of fuel and crashed in Mississippi. Ronnie Van Zant had one of the greatest stage presences I’ve ever seen.
2. Allman Brothers / Atlanta Rhythm Section: 1980, Columbia, SC. What a double bill! ARS was at its commercial peak and the Allmans are always good. Ronnie Hammond of ARS did one of the greatest Mick Jagger parodies I have ever seen. While ARS was playing ‘Imaginary Lover’ they effortlessly morphed the song into the Stones’ ‘Miss You’ and Hammond did a dead-on Jagger prancing on the stage and singing.
3. Mary Chapin Carpenter: 1990, Greenstreet’s, Columbia SC. I’ve seen her several times in larger arenas (one memorable show w/ Vince Gill), but she is better in smaller venues. This was one hell of a show, just as she was on the cusp of winning several Grammy Awards. BONUS: Radney Foster opened up as an acoustic solo act.
4. Rodney Crowell, 1988, Greenstreet’s, Columbia, SC. What a club Greenstreet’s used to be. Crowell is one of the greatest song writers of the past 50 years and one helluva performer. This was the first tour for a young hotshot guitar player named Stuart Smith, whom Crowell had discovered. Smith is now playing guitar for the Eagles when they tour. (He’s the clean cut guy who outplays Joe Walsh every night.) Crowell has only gotten better with age. BONUS: Crowell’s then-wife, Roseanne Cash, sat on a stool on the edge of the stage all night.
5. The Eagles / Amazing Rhythm Aces, 1980, Columbia, SC. The Long Run tour, with Timothy B. Schmit on his first tour as the new bass player replacing Randy Meisner. As a long time Poco fan that was very cool. BONUS: My second time seeing the Aces in one year. Even though they were only give a 45 minute set, they were, as always, amazing.
6. Radney Foster, 1994, The Wagon Wheel, Orangeburg, SC. Radney would the heir to the Rodney Crowell throne except that Rodney is still around and as good as ever. This club show was in support of the Labor of Love CD, Radney’s last release for a major label, before he went Indie and expanded his musical vision. Great voice on stage with one helluva band – Mike McAdams is an amazing guitarist. I am anxious to see Radney again.
7. Amazing Rhythm Aces, 1980, USC Spring Fest, Columbia, SC. The greatest outdoor musical event & drunkfest I’ve ever attended. The Aces are one of those bands that are always better live. Their rendition of ‘I Must’ve Died and Gone to Texas’, which was changed to “I Must’ve Died and Gone to Carolina’ for the show was one of the most fun singalongs I’ve ever participated in.
8. Dixie Dregs / Mother’s Finest / Little Feat, 1978, Civic Center, Augusta, Ga. What a triple bill! At this point hardly anyone had ever heard of the Dregs and their guitar playing genius Steve Morse, and unfortunately most people still don’t know about Mother’s Finest, the greatest funk/soul/ hard rock band in the world. And Little Feat, even on a bad night, can blow away most other live acts.
9. Bob Seger, 1980, Columbia , SC. The Against the Wind tour. I recently saw Seger in Charleston in 2007, and he was still phenomenal, even though his voice was nowhere near its old glory. Back in 1980 when he was still a younger man, this was as good as a rock-and-roll show could get. Three hours long and no let up!
10. Montrose / Foghat / Black Oak Arkansas, 1975, Augusta Auditorium Augusta, Ga. Being that I was 15 and had never attended a rock concert ever, I loved it. Montrose had a lead singer named Sammy Hagar, and Foghat was two years away from ‘Slow Ride’, but was one of the best live acts of the 70s. Black Oak just sucked, even at age 15 I could tell. Foghat blew them off the stage.

Honorable mention: Roseanne Cash, 1990; Elton John/Billy Joel, 2005; Earth, Wind & Fire, 1978; Grand Funk Railroad, 1977; Paul McCartney, 1996; Poco, 1985; The Police, 1980; Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, 1992.

DOES PHYSICAL ASSAULT NOW DEFINE "MANNERLY" IN CHARLESTON?

Marjabelle Young Stewart has named Charleston the "most mannerly city" in America for a dozen years now. Obviously, Ms. Stewart is not a tour guide and has never had a confrontation with one of Charleston's beloved SOBs just for doing her job. She has also never been on Market Street at night and been accosted by locals who drive past and scream epithets. Some of the more clever and charming remarks directed at night time ghost tour guides include:

• Fuck you!
• You suck!
• It's all a lie!
• Tourists suck!

This cleverness of wit makes me believe that they are either

1. A product of the South Carolina public school system, or
2. A product of the inter-family breeding practices that have been so popular in high society since the beginning of time.

Most of my fellow tour guides blame the night time insults on drunken teenagers and the college crowd. Maybe, but I am not ready to be so kind. I can easily see some of the genteel SOBs hollering insults from the undercover saftey of darkness and the tinted windows of their SUVs. The one thing I have learned as a tour guide is that the tourists are MUCH nicer than the locals - the so-called "most mannerly".

However, most tour guides have learned to deal with the insults, usually by making fun of the cowards who drive by and scream out. It's usually an comment about their lack of male genitalia.

However, now it is no longer only verbal assaults ghost tour guides have to combat. It is physical assault.

On Friday night, Rebel Sinclair, a ghost tour guide who works for Bulldog Walking Tours, was standing on the sidewalk on King Street in front of the Charleston Library Society. A champagne-colored Infinity FX 35 came zipping past. Someone inside the car screamed as they passed and tossed an open water bottle. The bottle struck Rebel in the hip, splattering her with water. However, over the next two days she developed an ache in her hip and has been diagnosed with a bruised hip bone. The bottle was saved and placed in a plastic bag. Hopefully, any fingerprints on the bottle can be lifted and identified.

The ghost tour guides of Charleston are now all going to be walking with digital cameras. We will be taking pictures of all vehicles that harass us when we are with customers. Tag Numbers will be taken and the police will be called. In particular, we will be looking for a champagne-colored Infinity FX 35.

Hopefully, we can match the fingerprints from the bottle to the fingerprints the cops will find in the car.

DEADLINES FOR OTHER WARS

Now that Congress has established an expiration date for the War in Iraq, let's hope they take a look at some other wars that need to be brought to a conclusion.

1. THE WAR ON DRUGS: Doesn't take a genius to figure this one out (good thing, since these are politicians we are discussing).

The War on Drugs could be considered to have started in 1880, when the U.S. and China completed an agreement (called the Opium Wars) that prohibited the shipment of opium between the two countries. Nixon's modern-day War on Drugs began in 1968.

The U.S. federal government spent over $19 billion dollars in 2003 on the War on Drugs - a rate of about $600 per second. The budget has since been increased by over a billion dollars. Since December 31, 1995, the U.S. prison population has grown an average of 43,266 inmates per year. About 25 per cent are sentenced for drug law violations. Quite a success! Declare victory and end it now!

2. THE WAR ON POVERTY: In his first State of the Union speech, President Lyndon B. Johnson declared a "War On Poverty." Making poverty a national concern set in motion a series of bills and acts, creating programs such as Head Start, food stamps, work study, Medicare and Medicaid, which still exist today. The programs initiated under Johnson brought about results, reducing rates of poverty and improved living standards for America's poor; however, the programs have outlived their usefulness and too many people are actively fighting to keep them in place even though most of the programs that are outdated and make as much sense as Rosie O'Donnell in a Playboy centerfold.

The poverty rate has remained steady since the 1970s so let's face it: the majority of people who live in poverty in the United States in 2007 are there as a result of their choices in life. The easiest ways to stay out of poverty are:

• Stay in school
• learn a job skill
• learn a trade
• don't have kids BEFORE you can support yourself AND your kid
• don't get addicted to cigarettes or other financially draining habits
• work smart and hard; forty hour work weeks are for people who do NOT want to succeed

The so-called Great Society is upon us. Declare victory!

SIX REASONS PETE ROSE SHOULD BE IN THE BASEBALL HALL OF FAME

Pete Rose NOW says he DID bet on his baseball team – but he always bet that they would win! Hmmmm . . . And O.J. didn’t kill his wife.

However, I still think Rose should be in the Baseball Hall of Fame because he was one of the best ever. Ty Cobb is in the Hall because he was an incredible player – the fact that he was a racist pig and a lousy human being does not matter. It’s called the Baseball Hall of Fame, not the Most Righteous Persons Hall of Fame.

Here are 6 reasons why Pete Rose should be in the Hall of Fame.

1. Patty Smith is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
2. Yasser Arafat, International terrorist, won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1994.
3. Al Gore won a Best Documentary Oscar for An Inconvenient Truth.
4. Starland Vocal Band won a Grammy for “Best New Artist” in 1976. Also nominated that year: Boston.
5. Al Sharpton ran for president of the United States.
6. John Travolta had a # 1 song with “You’re The One That Want” from the Grease soundtrack – but Credence Clearwater Revival has NEVER had a #1 song.

Charleston, SC (Roto-Reuters News Service) The announcement last week that 5000 of the South Carolina school buses are more than 14 years old, many with more than 400,000 miles, has provoked Charleston City Council into a momentous decision. Starting next week, the contract for running the school bus system in Charleston County will be taken over by CARTA.

CARTA spokeshuman, Pat, stated: “The first thing we will do is revamp the schedule. The school buses will run continually from 8:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. It’s a waste to have all these buses sitting idle during the day time.”

When this reporter informed the spokeshuman that most school children need to be in school before 8:00 a.m. the reply was: ‘They’ll just have to adjust their schedules.”

This reporter also pointed out that during the middle of the day the children would be in school and there was no need to have buses running at that time. CARTA replied, “But what about the kids who want to cut class but have no transportation? We need to serve the needs of ALL the children.”

When it was pointed out that most school sessions were over by 4:00p.m. CARTA was asked how did they justify running the buses until 8:00 p.m. Pat said, “Haven’t you ever heard of night school?”